The Parody of the Opera
by AnEveningofJazz
Summary: A hilarious parody of the movie. Well, hilarious to me.


**The Parody of the Opera**

Part 1 

AUCTIONEER: Ok! Up next: A poster. How exciting. Man, there's a whole lot of crap here.

RANDOM PERSON: 3 francs! 

AUCTIONEER: SOLD! OK. Next: This weird, monkey music box. 

OLD RAOUL: OMG I WANT THAT!

OLD MADAME GIRY: OMG ME TOO!

RAOUL: IT'S MINE, BYOTCH!

MADAME GIRY: Not if I can push your wheelchair over!

AUCTIONEER: SHUTUP, DAMMIT! 

both are silent

AUCTIONEER: NOW, It all depends on who gots the CASH!

RAOUL: AHAHA! This is SOO my department. 

RAOUL'S NURSE: Ehh..Sir...You don't have a lot of money left. You kind of spent it on dirty magazines.

RAOUL: Damn. 

AUCTIONEER: ...screw this. HEY, Vicomte! Take the damn monkey!

MADAME GIRY: BUT-

AUCTIONEER: GO BUY SOME MORE CATS, OKAY LADY?

MADAME GIRY: mutters

AUCTIONEER: OK! NEXT UP! This chandelier. It's has some crap to do with some weird love affair that had something to do with this guy...who stalked people. Yeah. Who wants it?

silence

RANDOM PERSON: WHERE THE HELL WOULD WE PUT A GIANT UGLY CHANDELIER? 

AUCTIONEER: is clearly pissed Well, I FOR ONE WOULD SHOVE IT UP YOUR--LOUD NOISE OF OVERTURE INTERRUPTS

EVERYONE: OMG AHHH!

Later...

RAOUL: sits in car, holds monkey box Oh look! It's Madame Giry! sticks out tongue

MADAME GIRY: Gives Raoul finger

FAST FORWARD TO FUTURE 

CARLOTTA: Ima so gorgeous! Bowa down to mya sexiness! 

PIANGI: SAME HERE!

EVERYONE: Ew...

NEW MANAGERS WALK IN

REYER: DAMN IT! STOP INTERRUPTING MY DAMN REHEARSALS!

LEFEVRE: SHUT UP! I OWN YOU! Well, ok, not anymore.

EVERYONE: Eh?

LEFEVRE: Yeah, I'm leaving. Here's the two new managers. Introduce yourselves, ok? I'm out. Oh, by the way, there's this ghost here, he wants cash, and a free box. Don't worry though, whispers he's pretty sexy!

FIRMIN: Ok. Anyway. I'm Firmin. This is Andre. And we are two very dirty old men, not to mention your new managers.

DANCER: Oooh..Dirty old men! They must be rich!winks

ANDRE: Hey baby...waves Ok, everyone! Shut up. This is the Vicomte DeChagny. He's your new patron. He seems a little ga--

FIRMIN: HUSH! Anyway, he loves opera, blah blah, he's excited to be here, etc etc.

CHRISTINE: OMG ITS RAOUL!

MEG: OMG HE'S SO HOT!

CHRISTINE: HAHA--I mean, yeah. He is.

RAOUL: flips hair I'm ever so delighted to be here! curtsy Toodles!

CHRISTINE: Wow...He's so manly. Too bad he didn't notice me.

meanwhile, several things are falling on Carlotta. No one seems to notice.

CARLOTTA: EXCUSA ME! THINGS FALLING ON CARLOTTA...

FIRMIN+ANDRE: Oh. Didn't notice. Yeah...Sorry about that.

CARLOTTA: is pissed, leaves

FIRMIN: Oh crap. We're screwed.

**PART 2**

ANDRE: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GONNA DO?

MADAME GIRY: I have a suggestion.

FIRMIN: I HAVE NO IDEA! If only there was an understudy...

MADAME GIRY: You know, Christine--

ANDRE: But who? There's no one here!

MADAME GIRY: Really, if you'd just listen I'd--

FIRMIN: There HAS to be a solution! Right now, we'll take ANYONE!

MADAME GIRY: SHUT THE HELL UP! Really! You two are IDIOTS!

silence

MADAME GIRY: Ok! Now that I have your attention, Christine Daae could sing it. 

CHRISTINE: What the hell? No I can't!

MADAME GIRY: mutters Do you want food tonight?

CHRISTINE: Yes ma'am. 

FIRMIN: Ehh. She's pretty hot. Go ahead. Sing us something. 

Firmin and Andre walk behind Christine

CHRISTINE: Think of me...Think of me fo--Are you two checking out my ass? 

FIRMIN AND ANDRE: No. Of course not. Keep going. 

CHRISTINE:...Okay. When we've said goodb--You ARE checking out my ass!

FIRMIN: NUH UH! Oh, by the way, you can sing tonight.

MADAME GIRY: I think we'll need a very UN-revealing dress.

ANDRE: under breath...Damn.

At the gala...

CHRISTINE: There will never be...A day when I won't think of you!

RAOUL: She looks so familiar...Who is she...Hmm...rubs chin in thought OF COURSE! CHRISTINE! HOW COULD I FORGET? After all, she IS the only girl who I ever actually came in contact with. Boys were just easier to talk to...

CHRISTINE: OOOo Ooo Oo Oo oOoooofff...MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! 

AUDIENCE: BRAVA! BRAVA!

IN THE CHAPEL 

CHRISTINE: singing I love to light candles! Candles candles candles candles! Ooh...shiny light...burns self OW! Gosh... 

PHANTOM: snicker

CHRISTINE: What the hell...? 

PHANTOM: Oops. AHEM Brava...brava...bravissima!

MEG: Christiiiiine...Christiiiiine?

CHRISTINE: WHAT?

MEG: Good job.

CHRISTINE: Thanks.

MEG: ...So...Your voice used to suck. What happened?

CHRISTINE: This strangely sexy man taught me.

MEG: Cool. Wanna go get a beer?

CHRISTINE: Sounds good.

Half an hour later...

CHRISTINE: is tipsy I feel rehlly..rehleyy goood. Ehehe..ehehe..ehehe..heh. Whoa...dressing room...stumbles inside Ooh..who coulda lefted me this purty flowerr? It's so...flowery...sits down Whoa...I feel special...blacks out and falls forward

OUTSIDE

FIRMIN: Hey, you know, we can get Christine to "show you a good time" if you know what we mean.

RAOUL: Nah. I'll just charm her with my hotness and masculine hairdo. I'll just take these...grabs flowers

RAOUL: bursts through door YOUR PRINCE CHARMING IS HERE!

CHRISTINE: startled, wakes up Whoa..Hi. You're...Raoul..right?

RAOUL: Are you drunk?

CHRISTINE: Stumbles over to him Of c-hourse not, Silly boyy...!

RAOUL: Oook. Well, you did well.

CHRISTINE: Thankkyou...

RAOUL: So um, wanna go out to dinner?

CHRISTINE: No...I have to stay here with this Angel.

RAOUL: Eh...?

CHRISTINE: You know...my teacher. So no, I'm not coming.

RAOUL: OK. Then I'll meet you outside in two minutes. Okay?

CHRISTINE: No... 

RAOUL: OK. See you then.

CHRISTINE: wtf..

**PART 3**

CANDLES: poof out

CHRISTINE: What the hell...

PHANTOM: INSOLENT BOY, THIS SLAVE OF FASHION, BASKING IN YOUR--

CHRISTINE: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!

PHANTOM: I'm the Phantom.

CHRISTINE: Why are you in my dressing room?

PHANTOM: I'm not. _Look at your face in the mirror, I am there inside!_

CHRISTINE: looks in mirror Oh hey, I see you. Wait, can you see me?

PHANTOM: Yes...

CHRISTINE: silence

PHANTOM: Is there something wrong?

CHRISTINE: I FEEL SO VIOLATED! YOU NASTY PERV! I GET CHANGED IN HERE! I STRIP DOWN SOMETIMES! YOU WATCHED ME THE WHOLE TIME!

PHANTOM: Well, it's not as if there was much to see...

CHRISTINE: OHHHH! SO THAT'S HOW WERE GONNA DO IT NOW! You know what? I'm outta here. mutters Dirty old man... 

PHANTOM: WAIT!

CHRISTINE: turns around What? 

PHANTOM: Get a load of me. twirls

CHRISTINE: NO, YOU KNOW WH---Damn...you ARE pretty hot...follows through mirror with open mouth

PHANTOM: Oh, I'm good. leads her down passageway

CHRISTINE: So where do you get all the wax for these candles?

PHANTOM: Oh, I make it myself.

CHRISTINE: ...From what?

PHANTOM: ...Stuff.

CHRISTINE: is grossed out

PHANTOM: Ok, so here's my horse.

CHRISTINE: Purdy. struggles to get on horse finally gets on

HORSE: walks down rampish thingy

CHRISTINE: ...Why the hell did I need to ride a horse for THAT?

PHANTOM: It was a nice effect. 

CHRISTINE: smacks forehead

PHANTOM: So, here's my gondola.

CHRISTINE: Nice. I love gondolas.

they get in

GONDOLA: moves

PHANTOM: Ok, we're here. Get off.

CHRISTINE: Hey...this is pretty nice. Is it like...your Batcave?

PHANTOM: No...It's my lair.

CHRISTINE: Do you drive like...a Phantomobile?

PHANTOM: No, because I don't go out.

CHRISTINE: Oh, so you're anti-social?

PHANTOM: No.

CHRISTINE: So then, are you--

PHANTOM: SHUTUP! 

CHRISTINE: ...fine.

PHANTOM: composes self and begins to sing

CHRISTINE: follows him

PHANTOM: begins to touch her

CHRISTINE: Hehehehe...

PHANTOM: pulls back curtain

CHRISTINE: Hey! That's me! Nice dress...OH MY GOD IS THAT WHAT MY THIGHS LOOK LIKE! faints 

PHANTOM: Ooh. She's asleep. Or in a coma. Nah. Just asleep. Either way, I could manipulate her... puts her on swan bed Nah. I'll just take these...swipes stockings Ok, these'll be good enough. For now.

**Part 4**

BUQUET: A great black hole serves as the nose that never grew!

RANDOM HOOKE--I MEAN, DANCER: Like Michael Jackson?

BUQUET: Yes. Well, if it were that time period. LASSOS HOOKE--I MEAN DANCER 

makes weird sounds

MADAME GIRY: JOSEPH! Control yourself, damn it! lassos him

makes weird sounds

MEG: Mom...waves hand in air dismissively sigh

IN THE LAIR 

MUSIC BOX: insert tune here

CHRISTINE: Yeah Piangi. Thaaaat's right. snore wakes up Oh. shudder Weird dream. Where am I? gets up

CHRISTINE: Ooh...Cool...

PHANTOM: turns Well hello there!

CHRISTINE: OMG! You're the hot guy who touched me, right?

PHANTOM: Yup.

CHRISTINE: Oh, have you seen my stockings?

PHANTOM: stuffs something into pocket Err...No...

CHRISTINE: Ok. Oooooh...reaches out hands Maaaask...

PHANTOM: What are you gonna do... 

CHRISTINE: YOINK!

PHANTOM: AAAAHHHH SCREW YOU! insert profanities here

CHRISTINE: Can you say, "anger management?"

PHANTOM: fume

CHRISTINE: Sorry...Gosh.

PHANTOM: Ehh. I'm over it. Oh by the way, now you can never leave.

5 seconds later...

PHANTOM: All right. Time to bring you back.

**Part 5**

PART 5 

PHANTOM: So um, I'll catch ya later, okay?

CHRISTINE: Yeah, yeah, whatever. I need a latte.

FIRMIN: WHO THE HELL SENT ME THIS NOTE? Was it YOU! points finger at woman scrubbing floor No...too stupid to write. Was it YOU! points at random statue Oh. Nevermind then.

ANDRE: Oh. I got one of those. What does yours say?

FIRMIN: "Your hair looks like a dead rat. Christine was good. Encore." What does yours say?

ANDRE: "Your hair looks like two rats on crack that got caught in a fan."

FIRMIN: ...What else does it say? 

ANDRE: That's it.

RAOUL BURSTS IN

RAOUL: flips hair hand on hip Like, OMG! Who like, sent me this note? 

FIRMIN: Not me.

ANDRE: Me neither. What does yours say?

RAOUL: "Your hair looks like...Well, it's hard to explain. Let me put it like this, if Barbie did it with a broom...You'd be the result. Oh, stay away from Christine. She's mine, biatch." is crying now I'm just sooooo upset!

FIRMIN AND ANDRE: are now crying with laughter

CARLOTTA: WHO SENTA ME THEESA NOTE!

RAOUL, FIRMIN, ANDRE: None of us. What does yours say?

CARLOTTA: "You dress funny. You can't sing for crap. When they say duct tape fixes everything, they mean it. Try some."

FIRMIN: Ooooh DIIISSSS!

CARLOTTA: I ama pissed! Letsa go, Piangi!

no answer

CARLOTTA: Piangi? What the hell...

PIANGI: is eating crumbs off floor 

CARLOTTA: Screw that. I'm leaving.

ANDRE+FIRMIN: Wait! Come back! Umm...Your public needs you!

PUBLIC: No we dont! We love Christine! Screw Carlotta!

RAOUL: Like, OMG! Just sing, Carlotta! I really don't want Christine, the love of my life to be happy and famous! That should be YOU!

CARLOTTA: You're right. I wanta soma gifts.

long procession of gifts while everyone sings the Kiss Carlotta's Ass song

UGLY PINK DRESS: floats down seemingly from nowhere

CARLOTTA: OMG I LOOK HOT!

EVERYONE: ...

CHRISTINE: is in outfit Wait, so I'm playing a guy?

MADAME GIRY: Pretty much. 

CHRISTINE: ...And I'm having an affair with...Carlotta? 

MADAME GIRY: Well, yes.

CHRISTINE: That's just queer.

**Part 6**

CARLOTTA: is singing loudly

CHRISTINE: is not singing at all 

CARLOTTA: Poor fool, he makes me laugh, ha ha ha ha ha! 

CHRISTINE: Oh $hit am I gonna have to kiss Carlotta? 

CARLOTTA: Kiss me in my husbands absence!

CHRISTINE: Fudge.

they have a big makeout session

PHANTOM: GET OFF OF HER! Oops, I mean, WHY THE HELL IS SOMEONE IN BOX 5?

MEG: OMG ITS THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA!

CHRISTINE: Its him... 

MEG: No sh-t Christine! Didn't you just hear me say that! GOSH! That corset must be making you delusional!

CHRISTINE: Gosh Meg. Why don't you go pull that stick outta your ass?

MEG: OH YEAH! Let's go, biatch!

they begin to fight

RAOUL: Hmm...I seem to be in Box 5. This strange, violent sounding man obviously wants it. He could possibly kill me. He seems quite angry that I'm in his box. Maybe I should leave...Naaaah.

Meanwhile, Phantom is switching Carlotta's mouth spray

CARLOTTA: Spray me!

RANDOM PERSON: sprays deodorant

CARLOTTA: Not thata spray, dumbass!

ANOTHER RANDOM PERSON: uses correct spray

CARLOTTA: Get off eacha other! Tima to make Carlotta looka good!

they continue

CARLOTTA: Poooor fool he makes me laugh, hahahaha--CROAK

EVERYONE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU SUCK!

CARLOTTA: beep Walks off stage shaking head

FIRMIN+ANDRE: OOOk, sorry about the interruptions. OK, um, lets do...the ballet...from...Act 5. 

curtain goes up, revealing company in utter confusion 

SHEEP: Baa.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: AAH ANIMAL CRUELTY! 

DANCERS: dance

JOSEPH BUQUET: Lalalala...Rafters...Heehee. It's dark...In the rafters...I see people...from the rafters...I see...man with half mask glaring at me menacingly...in the rafters. Oh beep

PHANTOM: Raaaa! 

JOSEPH BUQUET: squeal runs

PHANTOM: with his mystifying gymnastic skill, he does a triple somersault through the air, and lands directly in front of Buquet

BUQUET: NOoooooooooACK

PHANTOM: is strangling him

BUQUET: My life is flashing before my eyes...sees images of naked people falls

DANCERS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

AUDIENCE: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

AUDIENCE MEMBER: AAH ANIMAL CRUELTY! 

CHRISTINE: AAAH! runs to Raoul, who is waiting

RAOUL: So where do we go?

CHRISTINE: To the roof!

RAOUL: Why...?

CHRISTINE: So he can't kill you!

RAOUL: But we'll be on the roof...What if he pushes me off!

CHRISTINE: He won't.

RAOUL: But...it's so windy...

CHRISTINE: You have a jacket...

RAOUL: I know...But I don't have any hairspray on, and--

CHRISTINE: I'll french braid your hair later...

RAOUL: Let's go.

**Part 7**

PART 7 

RAOUL: Why have you brought me here?

CHRISTINE: Raoul, we just went through this...

RAOUL: Right. Sorry. So, err...What do we do now?

CHRISTINE: Hmm...Sing me a looooove song.

RAOUL: Um...Okay...pulls random love song out of ass AHEM When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, thats amore! 

CHRISTINE: ...

RAOUL: No? Okay then, um...How bout...OOH! I know... I love you, you love me, we're a happy family with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me too!

CHRISTINE: Oh. Dear. God.

RAOUL: Sor-ryyy Christine! Gosh! Do you have a better idea?

CHRISTINE: Let's make out.

RAOUL: Sounds good.

they make out 

PHANTOM: is hiding behind statue giggle Haha...This statue has an ass...Hahahaha...Oops--I mean---AAAAAAHH BACKSTABBERRR! How could she! I'm so terribly heartbroken! begins to cry, and even though he cries more than Raoul, he is still not a sissy like Raoul is

CHRISTINE: So um, I think I have to go.

RAOUL: OK. Meet you later?

CHRISTINE: Sure.

they leave 

PHANTOM: WAAAAAH! flings self on statue and falls Damn it. continuously does this

A few months later... 

FIREWORK: explode

FIRMIN: Helloooo everybodyyyyy!

ANDRE: Um, Hi Firmin...

FIRMIN: Hellllooooo Andreeee...Howsit goinnng?

ANDRE: Um, are you stoned?

FIRMIN: Mayyyyyybe! Ehehehe...Woo...realizes he has horns on Ehehe...Do I make you horny, Andre?

ANDRE: I'll be over there.

**Part 8**

PEOPLE IN SCARY OUTFITS: Masquerade! random dancing

PHANTOM: hiding behind pillar Hmm...When would be the best time to make my entrance? More importantly, does this outfit make my ass look fat?

VOICE: Yes!

PHANTOM: Screw you!

VOICE: Sorry.

... 

CHRISTINE: So. It's pretty cool that we're engaged. 

RAOUL: Mmm. Yeah. Let's make out.

CHRISTINE: No...People will figure out we're engaged.

RAOUL: Oh yeah, like the fact that we've been making out everywhere for the past 6 months and that you have a giant ring in your boobs doesn't give it away.

CHRISTINE: True. Still.

RAOUL: Ugh. makes W with fingers What-everrr!

CHRISTINE: Hey, Raoul?

RAOUL: Yes?

CHRISTINE: Why are you wearing a bow?

RAOUL: I feel that it increases my already high level of manliness. 

CHRISTINE: snort--Oh, I meant, yes, of course it does. Let's dance.

they dance

people gather on stairs, proceed to do weird fan dance

DANCERS: fan

RANDOM DANCER: Masqueraaaa---OWW CRAP! WHO JUST FANNED ME IN THE EYE? Was it YOU? jumps on dancer

giant catfight erupts

PHANTOM: comes strolling down staircase What the--

RANDOM MASQUERADER: GET OFFA ME YOU (insert profanities here)

PHANTOM: ahem Why so sile--

no one notices

PHANTOM: AHEM WHY SO SILEN--

still, no one notices.

PHANTOM: SHUT THE HELL UP!

NOW they notice

SOMEONE: OMG ITS THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA!

MEG: HEY--That's my line.

PHANTOM: Ok, so, I'm here, I'm sexy, and I'm angry. This opera house has been running really crappily. So, here's what's gonna happen. I've written you an opera. It's pretty hot. Piangi, you're the lead. I suggest you go low-carb. And exercise. Eh, what the hell, just go anorexic! Hmm...Oh, right. Carlotta, I think you can understand this, now that you've been rejected more and more. I think you're mature enough to handle this...

CARLOTTA: Spit ita outa!

PHANTOM: You suck. A lot. My advice? Shut it.

CARLOTTA: UGH! Any mora insults?

PHANTOM: Well, now that you ask, that thing on your head? Yeah, it looks like a sea urchin. Let's see...What else...rubs chin in though Oh, of course! Andre, Firmin, guess what? You used to own a junk business. That doesn't mean you can turn artsy fartsy overnight. Be managers. Be better ones. Because, well, you also suck. A lot.

proceeds to give tips to random people

PHANTOM: Ok, now that all that's out of the way, Christine Daae!

CHRISTINE: was stuffing face at snack table, and has not noticed that the Phantom has been here. For the last 30 minutes. What?

RAOUL: thinking to self OMG IT'S HIM! Oh crap. Forgot the sword. I should go--sees reflection in shiny object OH MY GOSH! My...hair..is...not right...

RAOUL: Um, Christine? I'm gonna go...get my sword. 

CHRISTINE: doesn't care Yeah, yeah, whatever.

PHANTOM: So um, yeah. You sing good. You look good. Yeah.

CHRISTINE: thinking Wow. His words are so poetic! I'm just driven towards him! walks over

CHRISTINE: looks up at him

PHANTOM: looks down at her thinking Well, I'm very much enjoying this staring down at Christine. And her buddies. this explains the long staring OMG...is that a ring between her boobies!

PHANTOM: AAAAAAAAAAGGHHH YOU BELONG TO MEEEEEE! snatches ring drops through floor

RAOUL: finally comes back OMG! jumps through floor lands in mirrorish room GASP OMG! THIS IS THE SEXIEST ROOM I'VE EVER SEEN! starts posing

NOOSE: drops

RAOUL: SQUEEEEEEAAL!

MADAME GIRY: Oh, just come out this way. 

RAOUL: with mascara running down face OMG MADAME GIRY! I think I wet myself! sniffle What do you know about him!

MADAME GIRY: I can't tell you.

RAOUL: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze?

MADAME GIRY: No!

RAOUL: Tell me.

MADAME GIRY: Ehh. Okay.

**Part 9**

PART 9 

MADAME GIRY: So, I was young. A schoolgirl. I was in school. And I was a girl.

RAOUL: Wow. That brings back memories of MY own schooldays.

MADAME GIRY: No comment. Anyway, so one day, our school visits this travelling fair thing. It was full of freaks. Yeah, so I go to this thing. And see this kid. And he's ugly. He's treated like crap, so he kills a dude, and I take him to the opera house. The end.

RAOUL: Freaky.

MADAME GIRY: Yeah. Totally.

-----------------------------

RAOUL: Okay Christine, I'll protect you.

CHRISTINE: snort stifles laughter

RAOUL: So, I'll just sit in this chair outside your door, and you can sleep.

CHRISTINE: Whatever...goes to bed 

RAOUL: sits in chair I'll just sit here and guar--falls asleep

CHRISTINE: I'm out. Leaves

CHRISTINE: Hey man, to my father's grave.

RANDOM CARRIAGE GUY: How the heck should I know where your father's grave is!

CHRISTINE: flashes him

RANDOM CARRIAGE GUY: I know where it is. 

CHRISTINE: turns around

PHANTOM: Knocks guy out hops into carriage

CHRISTINE: Let's go. thinks to self Hmm...He looks larger. And hotter. Hey...why is he covering his face? This is odd. Ehh, whatever.

they arrive at cemetary 

CHRISTINE: gets off sings loudly sniffle DADDY I MISS YOU! WAAAHHH!

PHANTOM: Quit your damn blubbering! It's your daddy. I'm here. Come to me.

CHRISTINE: Ooh..Daddy...Your voice sounds sexier!

PHANTOM: Yes, post-mortem life'll do that to ya.

CHRISTINE: Wow. falls under trance

RAOUL: is waking up OH SHIZZLE! Where's Christine! runs downstairs and jumps on horse

RAOUL: arrives at cemetary. A little too late.

CHRISTINE: So, you want me to make out with you? But you're my DAD! Plus, you're dead.

PHANTOM: No, it's perfectly fine. Trust me.

RAOUL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CHRISTINE! That's not your father!

PHANTOM: Yes I am. And I have proof. Guess who I met in the afterlife, Raoul?

RAOUL: ...Who.

PHANTOM: Your...manhood. They tell me that you lost them by your own will? 

RAOUL: thinking Oh crap. How did he find that out?

RAOUL: Well, it's not true!

CHRISTINE: is laughing really hard 

PHANTOM: jumps down AAAAAAAGH!

RAOUL: EEK! --I mean, AAAGH!

they fight

PHANTOM: slices Raoul 

RAOUL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I JUST GOT A SPRAY TAN! ...IF THAT SCARS, I'LL KILL YOU!

PHANTOM: Is laughing

RAOUL: knocks him over AHAHA! I WON! 

PHANTOM: Raa.

RAOUL: SQUEAL jumps on horse, almost forgets Christine

PHANTOM: Damn. Oh well, that was so queer, it was funny. Ahaha...Woo.

**Part 10**

PART 10 

RAOUL: We've all been dumbasses. I have the PERFECT plan. 

FIRMIN: Doubt it, but go ahead.

RAOUL: OK, so, we cast Christine in this guy's show. And we meet all of his demands. And we don't let him in. You know why? Because we'll have tons of disabled old men wielding guns stationed EVERYWHERE! He'll NEVER be able to get in. Then, when he gets in, BANG BANG!

ANDRE: We're going to bang him? gets interested look on face

RAOUL: No, we shoot him. When he gets in.

FIRMIN: But you JUST SAID he wouldn't be able to get in...So how exactly would we shoot him? 

RAOUL: Ugh, whatever! Got a better idea?

ANDRE: Well, actually--

RAOUL: Didn't think so. flips hair 

--------------------------------------------------------------   
In the chapel   
-------------------------------------------------------------- 

CHRISTINE: Oh, hey Raoul.

RAOUL: hugs her Aww..Don't be frightened.

CHRISTINE: I'm not. I'm kind of excited.

RAOUL: There there, it's alright.

CHRISTINE: Well, now that I think about it, he might kidnap me. Maybe I shouldn't do this. Eh. Whatever.

RAOUL: WHAT! You have to! I mean, just try to have fun. I know you'll be surrounded by danger the whole time, and he may even try to kidnap you. But what you do is going to affect everyone you know. Meg, Madame Giry, Me, Piangi, Firmin, Andre...

4 hours later

RAOUL: ...Dancer #2, Dancer #3, the cleaning ladies, the ushers, the ticket sellers, and finally, my hair. No pressure.

CHRISTINE: snore What? Oh, yeah. Whatever.

------------------------  
In the lair   
------------------------

PHANTOM: Seal my fate tonight..(insert lyrics I'm too lazy to type here)  
lights model on fire

PHANTOM: MOOHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I AM ALL POWERFUL! starts lighting random things on fire, which include his pants. 

PHANTOM: AAAAAGH SCREW! Damn it. Ehh. lights more things on fire MOOHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**Part 11**

WHOLE CAST: sings stuff I dont understand, but apparently the audience does. They are horrified.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: SEXUAL INNUENDO! runs out of theater with pinky up

PIANGI: sings of his evil plan walks behind curtain

PHANTOM: Grr.

PIANGI: dies of cholesterol induced heart attack

CHRISTINE: thinking Oh Gosh. I have to do a sexy song with...Piangi. Please, someone kidnap me. Now. this explains the troubled look on her face 

PHANTOM: I'M HERE!

CHRISTINE: ...Piangi looks...hotter. And...un-Piangi like. What could've happened that fast...? wonders

MEG: It's the Phantom, dumbass! 

CHRISTINE: ...It is? OMG IT IS!

PHANTOM: sigh At least she's pretty. Begins the process of seduction

CHRISTINE: looks at Raoul looks at Phantom looks at Raoul looks at Phantom Ehh. Whatever. accidentally jumps into Phantom's arms I'M SO TURNED ON! Wait, no I'm not.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: I AM! 

RAOUL: Me too...Wait, no I'm not...Yes I am. something happens to Raoul...You know what I mean...

PHANTOM: grope 

CHRISTINE: Ehehehehehehe...

PHANTOM: I LOVE YOU! 

CHRISTINE: I LOVE YOU TOO! But I'm going to ruin this moment. YOINK!

PHANTOM: Not. Again.

AUDIENCE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! THE HORROR!

PHANTOM: SHUT UP! ARG! slices Chandelier rope

CHANDELIER: crash

AUDIENCE: All run out of theater with pinkies up

PHANTOM AND CHRISTINE: plunge

RAOUL: SQUEAL!

MADAME GIRY: Must I do everything? You damn sissy!

RAOUL: sniffle I think I singed a hair!

MADAME GIRY: ...Riiiiight.

**Part 12**

MADAME GIRY: Well, these are the stairs. Go down them. I never have, because I care if I die. You, on the other hand...Not so much.

RAOUL: Err...Thanks. Bye!

MADAME GIRY: Sure, sure, whatever. 

RAOUL: proceeds down long staircase stops Ooh look! A big square on the floor. It almost looks like a trap door! Maybe I should avoid it...Pfft. Screw that! step AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! splash

RAOUL: Oh my god, my perm! NOOO! Wait, Raoul! Focus damn it, focus! Hmm...There seems to be a large doorway on the side I can go through, if I just push myself out of the water--Heyyy! A big metal grate is threatening to drown me! Maybe I should go through that doorway before its too late...Nahhh. I'll just wait here until the grate pushes me--gurgle--swims down

RAOUL: thinks to self Ooh...How convenient. A large wheel. I shall turn thee! unsuccessfully tries to turn wheel swims up for last breath CRAP! ONE MORE TI--gurgle swims down tries to turn wheel, whilst making sounds that seem like sex noises UNNNNHH! wheel turns Raoul swims Woo! Air! Well, I guess I should climb through this doorway now. Looks down at self Damn! I look HOT dripping wet! begins to pose

MEANWHILE...

CHRISTINE: Well, this is fun. You know, you really pissed me off tonight. 

PHANTOM: Sorry bout that.

CHRISTINE: Ehh. Whatever. I'm over it.

PHANTOM: Hey, will you put on this wedding dress.

CHRISTINE: Why not? I'm pretty bored.

PHANTOM: Cool.

CHRISTINE: goes behind curtain starts changing looks in mirror and notices what seems like a face ...Phantom? 

PHANTOM: from behind two way mirror Uh oh. ahem I am not the Phantom! Continue undressing!

CHRISTINE: Who are you? 

PHANTOM: Who am I? Why, I'm the...I'm the...I'm the Angel of Nakedness!

CHRISTINE: Cool. Whatever. changes comes out of dressing room

PHANTOM: Aww. You look gorgeous. Try this veil on. slams veil on head Damn, Christine! You have so much hair! Damn thing won't fit!

CHRISTINE: pulls it off Whatever. 

PHANTOM: SOB YOU DON'T LOVE ME BECAUSE I'M DEFORMED! 

CHRISTINE: Wow. That was somewhat out of the blue.

PHANTOM: AHA! I'LL FORCE YOU TO MARRY ME!

CHRISTINE: yawn Aaah. What on earth will I do? absently twirls hair I guess I could marry you, I mean, this dress is really nice.

PHANTOM: Really? You know, cause I like that kind of stuff. Giry always said "only queer boys make clothes!" goes into detailed account of his horrible childhood trauma that involved dress making

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE LAKE...

RAOUL: SNIFF Oh my god...I'm so waterlogged! comes to lake OH CRAP! NOT MORE WATER! NOOOO! stops to consider Although, I DO look hot when I'm wet. LETS GO! jumps in lake

RAOUL: finally arrives and is behind gate UNHAND HER, YOU FIEND!--What the hell?

PHANTOM: Is now sobbing profusely with head in Christine's lap SNIFF And then, I made her a really pretty dress, and she said to me, "I don't want a dress made by a little queer boy!" SOB SNIFF SOB

RAOUL: HELLOOOO! Pardon me for breaking up this...disturbing moment, but can I have Christine back?

PHANTOM: regains composure Noooooo...She's mine! starts to unbuckle pants (Not because of that you perverts!)turns around gives Raoul a full moon

RAOUL: EWW--Wait, hey, this is kinda turning me on.

PHANTOM: Whoa, whoa, I'll let you in...Just...calm down!

RAOUL: steps inside Pretty nice place ya got here...Lotsa candl--ACK Is now tied up to gate CURSES! FOILED ONCE AGAIN

RAOUL: gag Christine! Aren't you going to help me? Do something!

CHRISTINE: mutters I'd prefer to do someONE...

RAOUL: What? 

CHRISTINE: Well, this is a nice dress and all...I mean, I don't want to get it wet...

PHANTOM: OK, Christine. Here's the deal. Choose me, you stay here, and he stays alive. Choose him, and I'll still make you stay with me...But he dies.

CHRISTINE: So, um, basically, I'm choosing whether Raoul lives or not? 

PHANTOM: Yes, exactly.

CHRISTINE: Hmm...decisions decisions.

RAOUL: CHRISTINE!

CHRISTINE: ponders What to do...

RAOUL: CHRISTINE!

CHRISTINE: UGH FINE! I'll get the damned dress wet! walks over to Phantom Pucker up! plants a big wet one on him

RAOUL: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo--- 

PHANTOM: SOB

CHRISTINE: Aww. plants another one on him

RAOUL: --ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! 

PHANTOM: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I NEVER WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME! I'LL DIE WITHOUT YOU! So, you're free to go. Bye!

CHRISTINE: See ya. Come on Raoul. Wait, be right back.

PHANTOM: SOB Masqueraaaaaaaaade...SOB

CHRISTINE: Hey.

PHANTOM: SOB H-h-hey.

CHRISTINE: Well, here's your ring. Even though, you know, technically it's Raoul's. You know, him buying it and all...He's gonna be so pissed I gave it to you...

PHANTOM: SOB That means SO much to me! SOB

CHRISTINE: Byyye! In the boat, Raoul.

RAOUL: rubs sore neck sticks out tongue at Phantom and hops into boat

CHRISTINE: I'm not rowing again.

RAOUL: But---

CHRISTINE: RAOUL, I JUST SAVED YOUR ASS. ROW THE DAMN BOAT.

RAOUL: Fine.

PHANTOM: looks sadly upon gondola rowing away WAAAHH! Oh fudge. Mob coming. ...Hmm...I seem to have forgotten which mirror leads to my secret passage. Oh well! smashes every mirror till he finds the right one 

fade out to Raoul in wheelchair

RAOUL: as he is being wheeled through the cemetary, he begins to recall his life spent with Christine

RAOUL: Ah. I remember those days...has memory of wedding

WEDDING MEMORY

PRIEST: Do you take this woman--er, I mean, MAN to be your lawfully wedding wife? Crap, I mean, husband?

CHRISTINE: Whatever.

RAOUL: back to reality Brings a tear to my eye. Oh, and who could forget, the birth of our first child...

BIRTH OF FIRST CHILD MEMORY 

CHRISTINE: Aarrrrghh!

DOCTOR: PUSH!

CHRISTINE: pushes very hard

RAOUL: AAAAAAAAAAGHH CHRISTINE THERES A GIANT THING STICKING OUT OF YOU!

DOCTOR: sigh That would be the baby's head, Raoul.

RAOUL: Ah. Disturbing. arrives at grave

COUNTESS DE CHAGNY  
"Whatever."   
WIFE  
MOTHER  
RETARDED FOR MARRYING RAOUL

RAOUL: I miss her. GASP spots rose Damn it! Bastard!

FIN


End file.
